How to Tell You're a Snowflake.

First, move to Ohio

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In a story that I am not making up, an Ohio legislator this week introduced a bill that would make it a crime — a felony, actually — to plant a flag at midfield of Ohio Stadium, presumably after a Buckeyes loss.

This has become necessary lately at Ohio State.

The legislator’s name is — well, I won’t bother with that, because we won’t ever be speaking about him again, but he’s a guy whose district is near Toledo, which is near the Ohio-Michigan border. (It’s about a 45-minute drive from Fifth Third Field in Toledo, where the Mud Hens play, to Comercia Park in Detroit, where the Tigers play. Ask me how I know.)

Here’s the language of the proposal that I think you’ll enjoy, as reported by ESPN:

"No person shall plant a flagpole with a flag attached to it in the center of the football field at Ohio Stadium of the Ohio State University on the day of a college football competition, whether before, during, or after the competition. Whoever violates this section is guilty of a felony of the fifth degree."

Yes, Ohio has fifth-degree felonies. Other fifth-degree felonies in the state include credit-card fraud, breaking and entering, and, let’s see here, swiping somebody’s license plate. Six to 12 months prison, up to $2,500 fine, five years’ probation.

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The legislator says he’s super concerned about sportsmanship, which is awesome. Hadn’t heard much from him on the topic before Ohio State started getting whacked on its home field by rivals like Michigan, but hey.

The legislator — what the heck, his name is Josh — also said he didn’t like that Michigan football coach Sherrone Moore mimicked his team’s flag-planting while appearing on the video board of a Michigan basketball game last weekend.

To repeat: Ohio state representative offended by Michigan action taken in Michigan during Michigan basketball game.

Surely that’s a fourth-degree felony, maybe third. Let’s revisit after the holiday break.

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