How well do You Know Your Owner?

Is he swiping sand from Malibu Beach?

The story you’re about to read is real, albeit faintly ridiculous. Thanks for stopping by.

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This is definitely true: A rich guy who owns Malibu beachfront property is suing the rich guy who lives next door on account of Rich No. 2 swiping sand off the beach. (Allegedly.)

We normally wouldn’t care. Well, we care if someone steals sand, since the beach is public property even in Malibu, the precious strips of oceanfront there have experienced terrible erosion over the past few decades, and they’re fighting for their lives. The storms are becoming more violent.

Still, as a rule, we are not invested in rich people’s squabbles.

But wait! One of these guys owns the Milwaukee Brewers. That almost makes it compelling.

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The short of it is that Mark Attanasio, the billionaire owner of the Brewers and majority owner of the English soccer team Norwich City FC, has a house on Malibu’s Broad Beach that he purchased for $23 million in 2007, adding the empty lot next door for another $6.6 million in 2017. These properties are worth eleventy zillion in today dollars.

Attanasio wants to repair a sea wall. In March, he got permits to do that. But he’s not allowed to remove sand from the beach in order to reinforce his own stock as part of that repair; he’s supposed to bring in new sand from somewhere inland, the way the other beachfront folk do.

Example: In 2015, the owners of 121 properties, including Dustin Hoffman, Ray Romano and Pierce Brosnan (a pretty good antagonist character in Mrs. Doubtfire), spearheaded a $31 million restoration project at Broad Beach. According to the L.A. Times, the process involved “trucking in mountains of sand from quarries in Simi Valley and Moorpark and trying to re-create sandy beach and dunes, the latter atop a massive, man-made rock barrier.”

Artsy! Anyway, this time around, Attanasio cheated. Or so claims the civil lawsuit filed against his LLC by a different LLC that is owned by his neighbor on the other side of the lot. The lawsuit features a couple of good digs, such as when it accuses Attanasio of “using a public beach as (his) own personal sandbox.”

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More seriously, the suit claims that Attanasio’s acts violate the California Coastal Act and that taking the sand off the public beach breaks the rules. It also says the huge excavation machinery they’re using is leaking oil and other pollutants onto the beach and into the ocean (because high tide actually washes over the equipment each day), and notes that the project blocks public access, which it most definitely does.

Also, the plaintiff says he’s got ample video proof. (Don’t Attanasio’s people understand how iPhones work?) And the neighbor says he’s suffered “personal harm” by having sand scooped out of his part of the beach, as well as oil and gas being left on his side, plus, you know, the general nuisance of it all.

Then again, I told you we don’t take rich people tiffs seriously, so never mind.

But wait! The other good part is that the rich guy bringing the suit is James Kohlberg. If the name sounds familiar, it’s because he is the son of Jerome Kohlberg, who founded the global investment company Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Co.

Insane money? Kitty fight? A few personal grudges? How very SoCal.

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Not sure where this goes. Attanasio’s attorney told the L.A. Times that the billionaire’s LLC “is in the midst of a fully permitted emergency repair of the property to protect it from ocean forces.” No mention of the sand thing.

I hate to be the one to break the news, but neither Attanasio nor his army of lawyers will successfully protect his beachfront Malibu property from “ocean forces.” Ocean forces have been scoring touchdowns by the bushel on this front for some time. Ocean forces are great at this.

And look, Attanasio doesn’t own the beach, no matter how much his home appreciates in value and no matter how closely to (or on) the beach it sits. He can pound all the sand he wants — it just can’t come from that land right in front of him.

Apart from that, I swear, we don’t care. But is it okay if maybe I update you someday?

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H/T to sources close to us — make that spouses close to us — who knew about this story first.