My Building Needs a Name*.

*Unserious suggestions only

Thanks for reading The Dope.

---

No, it won’t be Trump Stadium. Let me save you some time here. In addition to the obvious, there’s the troubling sub-context that “Trump” and “buildings” don’t always resonate so hot, public image-wise.

Trump’s Taj Mahal = bankrupt.

Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino = bankrupt.

Plaza Hotel = bankrupt.

Trump Castle Hotel and Casino = bankrupt.

Trump Hotels and Casino Resorts = bankrupt.

Trump Entertainment Resorts = bankrupt.

Five out of the six related to Atlantic City properties, just FYI.

Donald Trump often says that these were merely business moves made to gain more favorable financial terms. He once called himself the king of debt, adding, “If things don’t work out, I renegotiate.”

Still and all, if you are Washington Commanders operating owner Josh Harris, it’s entirely likely that you’d prefer the name of the team’s brand new NFL home in the District of Columbia to head in a fresh direction. So even though the president is pushing for the stadium to bear his name, I doubt that the Commanders (whose name Trump also wants rescinded in favor of Redskins) will be able to accommodate — unless Trump wants to pony up the going rate for stadium/arena/ballpark naming rights.

What’s the number? Well, Crypto.com is paying $700 million over 20 years to have its name on the L.A. building where the Lakers play. (It used to be the Staples Center.) Among newer structures, the online personal finance company SoFi is coughing up about $625 million for the place where the Rams and Chargers play. The Intuit Dome, home of the Clippers, is costing Intuit $500 million over 23 years, and —

You get it. The naming rights prices are getting a little silly. This may explain why you’re paying $17.50 for a craft beer at ye olde game.

---

So where does that leave us? The Commanders have until about 2030 to figure it out, since it’ll take that long for the new place to go up on the site where RFK Stadium is currently being demolished.

(No, it won’t be RFK Jr. Stadium.)

(Stop that.)

Let me pause here and suggest that naming sports facilities after people is increasingly a fraught exercise. If you have used your phone to access social media in the past, oh, five minutes, you know that it’s getting harder to find anyone whose name does not inspire angry division and hate-posting. We just can’t come together on humans, period, much less a human name for a stadium. I salute the Royals and Packers for keeping Kauffman Stadium and Lambeau Field alive, respectively.

---

---

Oh: I missed one. The Florida International University football team in Miami now plays its home games at Pitbull Stadium. The deal is for five years and $6 million total, with a five-year extension possible. In addition to the money, Pitbull has to show up at least once a year for an FIU athletics fundraising event. In return, the Miami-born entertainer gets free use of the stadium for 10 days a year for his own concerts and whatnot, and his Voli 305 Vodka is set as a preferred brand in the premium drink areas of the stadium. He also gets to write a new anthem for the school.

Sweet! But the financial commitment is a little below the spend level that Washington is likely to, um…command. (Sorry. Walked into that.)

---

Okay, I’ll go first.

Sonny Jergens Stadium. The longtime Washington quarterback was actually Sonny Jurgensen, but if we just mangle it a little bit, we’ve got a fighting chance at a naming-rights tie-in that could solve everyone’s problems.

Loews Football Cineplex. Bear with me. Loews is the company that bought the chain of movie theaters that was originally owned by Magic Johnson, and Magic is now one of Josh Harris’s minority (4%) partners in the Commanders. You get Magic as a pitch-man!

Joe Gibbs Racing Stadium. The old coach returns, backed by a solid NASCAR company that he founded, which currently includes top drivers Denny Hamlin and Chase Briscoe. One of JGR’s current financial cohorts is Arcos Partners LP, and they’ve got all sorts of money and are buying up sports properties everywhere. Good fit.

The Marriott AARP Dome. In which two Washington, D.C.-based companies with more than $30 billion in combined total assets and hospitality on their minds make sure that people like us can watch NFL games in person without getting cold. Early check-in also available.

Open AI Field. Let’s just get it over with. And I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

---

Suggestions welcome. Serious entries will be discarded immediately. Reply in the replies.